I had a good day today. And I know tomorrow is the day of meeting people again, and naturally they’ll want to know if I had a good wkend. Which I will reply ‘yes’. They will then ask what I got up to. I will not want to tell them. Because from that point on, they will measure my words, with their expectations of what a good wkend should be. And if my words don’t fit with their mental picture, then I fail.
Its a shame it has to be that way. Because its always that way, because we all measure others in comparison to ourselves and what we like or don’t like. Sometimes we vocalise this, and sometimes we think it, but we always compare.
If I feel pressured in anyway, I have a tendancy to sense what people are expecting to hear, and if my explanation doesn’t measure up to what I sense they want from me, then I struggle to answer. Very often I dismiss my words as a waste of their time. I am flippant with my statements of ‘self’ for the past 72hrs. Or I bite the bullet, and tell them what I know they don’t want to hear. I like to see peoples reactions sometimes, when I can quite happily tell them I’ve had a ‘great’ wkend and have done ‘nothing’.
Many people can’t equate ‘nothing’ to being something ‘great’… it messes with their heads and it doesn’t compute. Very often ‘nothing’ is rarely the truth, but I can’t recall what specifically I did, so ‘nothing’ is pretty good explanation as to what is in my mind for the wkends activities, however give me a little time, and I’ll recall everything i’ve done.. which might actually be quite interesting and detailed.
This wkend I wrote a story. I have had this thought for a while (a few weeks) about a senario of lifestyles that can be elaborate and quite simple too, and how they mix together for a period of time. I sat and wrote about how these lifestyles can meet, interact, and conclude. I’ve enjoyed thinking about it. Its quite a different creative achievement for me. I’m going to keep doing it until its out of my system.
for atm, its a ‘place’ which I am feeling comfortable.
this got me thinking about writing. y’see, I’ve been a frequent blogger for many years. I’ve always written thoughts down, I’ve always documented stuff thats gone on in my life, and its effortless, its easy and its frequent. This wkend, I’ve realised that its something I ‘should’ be doing more of. Except instead of ‘unfocussed thought’ of casual rambles and daily situations, I should try ‘focussed thought’ on consistent topics for as long as it takes.
Sooo… for me its been a wkend of enlightenment, self observation and understanding. Its one of clarity and conclusion about why I enjoy doing what I do and how I should continue in future (for as long as it takes)….
… and of course, naturally, I had to document this thought.