Life: questioning ones ‘self’.

I want to think about how we remember people. Close friends, and those not so close. I like the thought that we hold ‘high-res’ detailed images of our close/longest friends in our minds… ‘high-res’ just like photos… and those people are high-res because of what they mean to me, and because of how they have left a memory in my head. I remember them strongly because I can identify and relate to them in some way. They ‘mean’ something to me. Maybe they’ve praised me, or listened, or advised, or I’ve connected with on a mental or physical level. Some people just ‘click’ don’t they?

But they remain in my head, because they ultimately have ‘left’ a piece of their ‘self’ with me, they have almost projected a piece of their personality and being into my head, and its remained for me to refer to, whenever I like.

Similarly, some people in my head have left a low-res image. They are there, but they don’t mean as much to me. They are blurred and vague. I don’t know if their projected ‘self’ was what they intended to leave in my mind, but its there in a small part. Maybe the next time I meet them, I shall obtain another piece of their ‘self’, adding another ‘dot’ of their personality for me to sit next to the previous and eventually start to join together and build up a high-res picture of them. That could take years tho, or it could never build at all.

High-res and low-res friends.
Projection of (our) ‘self’ onto others.

Imagine if the ‘self’ we think we’re projecting isn’t received in the way we intended? for example I may think I’m funny, but if I stand up on stage to 40,000 people and tell a joke and they all don’t think I’m funny, or sarcastic maybe, and then they go away and each tell 1000 of their friends that I’m not funny and so on. Then eventually the only person who’ll think I’m funny is me… no-one else will think that at all.

So does that still mean I ‘am’ funny? even if I’m the only one thinking it? And if you agree I’m not, then does that mean the image of ourselves isn’t true, and actually the image we present to others is the true image of ourselves? And if fragments of our personality mean different things to many people, can it be concievable that until all the information about me is received by everyone, that many different interpretations of my ‘self’ will be held by many many people, and may not be an accurate representation of who I am, or at least, who I think I am?

So imagine a low-res copy of me in someones head. And its not the ‘self’ that I think I am, its their interpretation of me, based on the limited information they have of me. A different ‘self’ is being built in their head. Eventually over time, I may become a ‘high-res’ version of me in their heads, but an entirely different version of who I think I am.

You may be thinking that because these ‘selfs’ don’t physically exist, then its all a load of made up bollocks anyway. But lots of things exist that aren’t physical and we never question their existence. Like emotions for example, they don’t physically exist, they can’t be measured or held or seen, but they are continually refered to in the physical sense. How about a smile? that doesn’t exist either, in the sense that some people claim to be able to ‘see me smiling’ when I speak to them on the phone.

Is it inconceivable that we can actually have more than one ‘self’? What is our ‘self’? I’d love to know, cause I only see something very blurred, diluted and vague version of my ‘self’. I actually see several of my ‘self’s’ that I’ve presented to people over the years. People think they know who I am, but often they are very wrong in my mind. You may agree. But what about if you and me are wrong, and they actually don’t have a ‘wrong’ impression, but another right version of our ‘selfs’?

We have a left and right hemisphere to our brains. Have you ever experienced wanting to do more than one thing at a time? The head wants one thing and the heart wants another? We could be being pulled by our natural ‘selfs’.

The more I think about this, the more I think having one ‘self’ is ridiculous. I might ask all my high-res friends what they think (of me) on the subject.

Welcome to my head. Sorry for the bumpy ride.


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